Life, Shane and the Persuit of Happiness

It's what's on my mind, and yours too. Well, at least that bit about happiness...

Wednesday, January 23, 2002

Ah yes, insanity. I really believe there are many levels of insanity, it's not all black and white. You might be just a little out of your mind. Just a little bit tweeked. I once thought I was crazy. Upon reflection I think I may have been but though at the time it seemed sever, in reality it wasn't very. How can I describe it? Well, it is like having a constant and irritating sore neck, except that the soreness creeps up into your brain; it never goes away. You couldn't forget about it because it directs your thoughts. It is like a parasite which, in the effort of self preservation, takes over your mind and sabotages any attempt to work out insane thoughts or change your view. There's no calmness or relaxation only turmoil upstairs. I found myself thinking thoughts that I could not squelch, they kept swinging around in my mind like a pendulum I could not reach out to and stop. The pendulum speeds up, swinging in irregular patterns, all the while taunting you with it's uncontrollable nature. It sounds like hell, maybe it is, and to think, I wasn't even that bad off.
It took years to develop. Of course, this wasn't all brought on by rejection either, there were lots of other factors in my life, but lonliness certainly doesn't help anything.
So you play host to this 'disease' for a while and then one day something happens and it's all gone. Isn't that how it usually works? Something happens, some event causes either a complete break down or a profound revelation. Then you wake up from your deep sleep, roll over in your bed, look at the clock and realize you've been asleep for ten years! Where has the time gone, all that wasted time...
to be continued...
posted by Shane  # 8:50 PM
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