Life, Shane and the Persuit of Happiness

It's what's on my mind, and yours too. Well, at least that bit about happiness...

Wednesday, January 23, 2002

 
Ah yes, insanity. I really believe there are many levels of insanity, it's not all black and white. You might be just a little out of your mind. Just a little bit tweeked. I once thought I was crazy. Upon reflection I think I may have been but though at the time it seemed sever, in reality it wasn't very. How can I describe it? Well, it is like having a constant and irritating sore neck, except that the soreness creeps up into your brain; it never goes away. You couldn't forget about it because it directs your thoughts. It is like a parasite which, in the effort of self preservation, takes over your mind and sabotages any attempt to work out insane thoughts or change your view. There's no calmness or relaxation only turmoil upstairs. I found myself thinking thoughts that I could not squelch, they kept swinging around in my mind like a pendulum I could not reach out to and stop. The pendulum speeds up, swinging in irregular patterns, all the while taunting you with it's uncontrollable nature. It sounds like hell, maybe it is, and to think, I wasn't even that bad off.
It took years to develop. Of course, this wasn't all brought on by rejection either, there were lots of other factors in my life, but lonliness certainly doesn't help anything.
So you play host to this 'disease' for a while and then one day something happens and it's all gone. Isn't that how it usually works? Something happens, some event causes either a complete break down or a profound revelation. Then you wake up from your deep sleep, roll over in your bed, look at the clock and realize you've been asleep for ten years! Where has the time gone, all that wasted time...
to be continued...
posted by Shane  # 8:50 PM 0 comments
 
Now, I know it sounds like this girl just ripped open my chest and extracted my heart right then and there. But in reality she did nothing wrong at all. Neither did any of the others whom simply weren't in love with me as much as I was with them. Somebody said it takes two to tango. You can't go forcing somebody to love you, but you can't go forcing yourself to not love somebody. That's not how it works. Why? I don't know, maybe nature's cruel trick or something. You are forced into this paradox and there's nothing you can do about it. But although this situation is one in which you have no control, usually the distress of helplessness is overshadowed by the heart-wrenching pain of lonliness; this is the power of love which leaves such a path of destruction.
What's amazing is the mind's ability to heal and ultimately protect itself from this onslaught of severe damage. During the time of your deep depression you just know that you will never recover and, although not completely false, this isn't really the case. In a relatively short period of time (but what seems like an eternity) you can patch over it, maybe even move on to another love interest. But though you've dodged mental collapse, you have still formed scar tissue which is harder and thicker than the matter that it replaced. This scar tissue is resistance, forgetfullness, and denial of love. It keeps feelings from getting in. It prevents heartbreak by blocking emotion. Just a little at a time; a rejection here, a denial there, it adds up. It builds and builds until it's mass becomes critical and then it all lets go and melts away...and then your awake again...
to be continued...
posted by Shane  # 12:00 AM 0 comments

Monday, January 21, 2002

 
Well, I've obviously had too much Diet Coke today. But that's not the only thing keeping me awake right now. I've realized something very sad and I can't stop thinking about it. Let me start over:

Everybody forgets how to love eventually. Well, almost everyone. Yah, yah sure there are those lucky few out there for whom life is all sunshine and roses and they live happily ever after, but who cares about them. Their hearts are still bold and warm. The rest of us live on with our muted lives, never again feeling all that's there to be felt. But we all started out with love in our hearts, where did everything go terribly wrong? Have you forgetten already?

Being five years old is so exciting. You don't care what happens as long as you get recess in 15 minutes. I used to play tag at recess. There was a girl whom I had a crush on; Shasta, she would play tag with me. When another kid would tag me, I would chase after Shasta for a chance to tap her on the shoulder and smell her perfume. I can still remember her scent, back then I could have picked it out in a shopping mall full of women spraying testers all about. I could smell it as I lay in bed at night. For years I lay in that bed, my heart ached every night. You see love and heartache go hand in hand. They are cause and effect. When love gets denied it dies and turns to heartache. I experienced my first heartbreak in the 6th grade. I asked Shasta to "go out with me" and then I turned to heartache.
The great thing about kids, though, is that they bounce back. After about a year or so I could sleep normally again. But of course this wasn't the end, like 10 years of running water will wear a stone smooth, so would my heart be worn smooth and hard, killing all feeling and hiding all flaws.
to be continued...
posted by Shane  # 11:55 PM 0 comments

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