Life, Shane and the Persuit of Happiness

It's what's on my mind, and yours too. Well, at least that bit about happiness...

Tuesday, October 23, 2001

Haven't blogged in while...sorry. For one my computer's been down for over 2 weeks. Midterms are piling up too. Been busy, but mostly lazy, as usual. I have been keeping up the running ruitine though. I've found the best beverage in the world: Odwalla Superfood ! I don't know if it really qualifies as a beverage, I mean it's more of a meal (a vegeterian's meal that is), but it also really tastes good. Shane's love life has been, well, how to put it, *stale* I guess. No big surprise there. Of course it could be worse, it has been worse. So I guess I should feel good about it...I guess. I'm looking forward to fall weather. It reminds me of more festive and fun times at home. Unfortunately I won't be home for Thanksgiving this year since the whole (extended) family is going to Salt Lake City and my Cousin's house there. I sure would like to see some of my friends at home though, before we lose touch completely. If we haven't already...
I've got this bad, bad feeling lately that's sort of unnerving. It's a notion of impending failure. Not just failing a midterm failure, but a complete-change-your-life-forever profound kind of failure. I've been getting these pictures in my head of me, in the future, in a trailer park pouring down another bud lite, holding my head in my hands and going nowhere. Leading a steady life of meaningless labor, a job which I never finish but only finishes me, but not quickly; very slowly, a sore that grows from a slight annoyance to a disturbing gash to a fatal fissure. In this picture I've completely let go, just given up. I don't challenge anything that anyone tells me anymore. I just get pushed along by that mysterious leading force that pushes every other lower to middle class citizen along. Along the right path; the one of least disturbance, least resistance. At this point it's only an inkling, a vague feeling but I wonder whether or not it can grow larger. And larger until it becomes reality, into which I slip without any means to save myself.
I hope not.
Hope is an interesting thing. It comes and goes, you have it then you don't. People can give it to you and rob it away from you, but it's not a possesion you can hold on to and gaurd dearly. And it can be the difference between success and failure, winning and losing, laughing and crying, living and dying. You can't see it or touch it, but you most definately can feel it. You need it. But sometimes it seems you don't want it. You reject it so defiantly. Is that because it's let you down? No, you're aware that it has always made things better. So why then? Did you lose it, just like the common expression? And if so, at what point? I'll never know
I guess that's enough for now.
posted by Shane  # 9:39 PM
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