Life, Shane and the Persuit of Happiness

It's what's on my mind, and yours too. Well, at least that bit about happiness...

Wednesday, August 15, 2001

Tonight I had a sorta interesting conversation with my friend Jamie on AOL IM. So, what the heck, I thought, I'll throw it on my Blog!
SugaShane (8:37:14 PM): i've been lonely and sorta depressed
SugaShane (8:37:25 PM): and way overworked/underpaid
SugaShane (8:37:34 PM): but I can't complain ;-)
SugaShane (8:38:42 PM): actaully I'm thinking that I really don't fit into California
SugaShane (8:39:02 PM): I'm too white trash for it
SugaShane (8:39:07 PM): or at least for this area
SugaShane (8:40:05 PM): and I'm starting to wonder whether or not I'm cut out to be an engineer
SugaShane (8:40:28 PM): blah blah blah, listen to me ramble off...
Jmee143 (8:43:32 PM): why would you not want to do engineering?
Jmee143 (8:43:58 PM): and why on earth would you be too white trash for california?
Jmee143 (8:44:12 PM): i mean, what do you want to be black and living in compton?
SugaShane (8:44:41 PM): I don't know, I just get this feeling. You shouldn't fear the day when you get to upper division classes, you should look forward to it, if you're in the right major
SugaShane (8:45:24 PM): I just feel like I have to act all of the time to fit in with this class
Jmee143 (8:45:35 PM): what class?
SugaShane (8:46:45 PM): just the "class" of kids you typically find at a school like calpoly
SugaShane (8:46:58 PM): i realize there are LOTS of different types of people at poly
SugaShane (8:47:11 PM): but, i don't know
Jmee143 (8:47:20 PM): well, most of the engineers are like marc, all pretty and stuff
Jmee143 (8:47:34 PM): like "pretty" meaning little preppie boys
Jmee143 (8:47:51 PM): sorry, i realize i use a slang sometimes that only people from home understand
SugaShane (8:48:18 PM): it seems that whenever i just try to be honest - be myself I get nothing but snide remarks, insults and ridicule, no matter if it's in a slightly joking manner, it still makes me uncomfortable
Jmee143 (8:49:48 PM): who are you being honest to? maybe the people are uncomfortable with themselves and don't know how to deal with your talking honestly?
SugaShane (8:50:04 PM): but when people perceive me as "normal" I'm putting on an act
SugaShane (8:50:24 PM): yeh, well maybe everyone is at least alittle caught up in that trap
Jmee143 (8:51:17 PM): you always feel like you can't be yourself?
SugaShane (8:51:29 PM): exactly
Jmee143 (8:52:24 PM): i've thought about that before... i wondered if maybe it's almost like a chemical reaction, like inevitably you are a different person around other people no matter what... like the real you isn't necessarily you alone by yourself...
SugaShane (8:52:37 PM): i can't act the way I feel, i can't express myself the way i want to, the only question i can't give a totally honest answer to is 'how are you?'
SugaShane (8:53:22 PM): but some people seem to be able to do it, or they're putting on a really damn good act
Jmee143 (8:53:44 PM): some people are really really simple too
Jmee143 (8:53:59 PM): ! you don't want to be simple, do you? :-)
SugaShane (8:54:06 PM): maybe i do
SugaShane (8:54:18 PM): simple is usually better in my experience
SugaShane (8:54:35 PM): and ignorance is bliss
SugaShane (8:56:33 PM): i don't know, maybe the white trash thing isn't really accurate, i guess i just feel - displaced
Jmee143 (8:57:52 PM): i think a lot more people feel that way than you would think, maybe not all the time
SugaShane (8:58:11 PM): then maybe I'm really right at home here
Jmee143 (8:58:26 PM): maybe you are thinking too much
SugaShane (8:58:36 PM): i'm sure of that
SugaShane (8:58:58 PM): i REALLY shouldn't inflict this on you, jamie
Jmee143 (8:59:15 PM): you need to get out and GO to magic mountain!
SugaShane (8:59:27 PM): it's just my pointless ramblings that I usually confine to my diary
Jmee143 (8:59:43 PM): i have like 6 journals from high school full of useless ramblings as well

I'm a weirdo...
posted by Shane  # 9:07 PM
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