Life, Shane and the Persuit of Happiness

It's what's on my mind, and yours too. Well, at least that bit about happiness...

Saturday, August 11, 2001

Saturday night. A lonely, lonely night. I just don't seem to have that fire inside me anymore, the fire that was keeping me hopeful. I try to make myself beleive that everythings ok, to just hang on and you'll find her. Just hang on. But what about all the time I'll lose, what about all the time I've lost. I can't get that back. Sure it's my own fault. Sure if I acted differently or I had more confidence or - whatever. The list goes on. Any way I just want to go to sleep, but it's only quarter till nine. I could take some Tylenol PM, I've had a headache all day anyways, all week in fact. Then I'll really feel like shit tomorrow morning. Probably won't run either. I've just lost my self control. I just want some human interaction. I want to physically talk to someone, or hug someone, laugh with someone or cry for that matter. I would feel so much better. To cry, that would be wonderful. I haven't cried in months. I haven't had a good all out breakdown in years. I think I'm about due. It won't happen though. I want it to, but by god whatever it is that's eating at me, it won't afford me that pleasure. This thing that's clawing me, this thing thats inihalating me , this which I can't escape, is not anything at all. It's just me. I know this because when I look out around me and see the shit that others have to deal with on a daily basis and then look at my life, I become embarrased. I'm living the good life. How can I sit here and babble on about my poor feelings and who's gonna help me? That's ridiculous.
posted by Shane  # 9:04 PM
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