Life, Shane and the Persuit of Happiness
It's what's on my mind, and yours too. Well, at least that bit about happiness...
Wednesday, August 15, 2001
Tonight I had a sorta interesting conversation with my friend Jamie on AOL IM. So, what the heck, I thought, I'll throw it on my Blog!
SugaShane (8:37:14 PM): i've been lonely and sorta depressed
SugaShane (8:37:25 PM): and way overworked/underpaid
SugaShane (8:37:34 PM): but I can't complain ;-)
SugaShane (8:38:42 PM): actaully I'm thinking that I really don't fit into California
SugaShane (8:39:02 PM): I'm too white trash for it
SugaShane (8:39:07 PM): or at least for this area
SugaShane (8:40:05 PM): and I'm starting to wonder whether or not I'm cut out to be an engineer
SugaShane (8:40:28 PM): blah blah blah, listen to me ramble off...
Jmee143 (8:43:32 PM): why would you not want to do engineering?
Jmee143 (8:43:58 PM): and why on earth would you be too white trash for california?
Jmee143 (8:44:12 PM): i mean, what do you want to be black and living in compton?
SugaShane (8:44:41 PM): I don't know, I just get this feeling. You shouldn't fear the day when you get to upper division classes, you should look forward to it, if you're in the right major
SugaShane (8:45:24 PM): I just feel like I have to act all of the time to fit in with this class
Jmee143 (8:45:35 PM): what class?
SugaShane (8:46:45 PM): just the "class" of kids you typically find at a school like calpoly
SugaShane (8:46:58 PM): i realize there are LOTS of different types of people at poly
SugaShane (8:47:11 PM): but, i don't know
Jmee143 (8:47:20 PM): well, most of the engineers are like marc, all pretty and stuff
Jmee143 (8:47:34 PM): like "pretty" meaning little preppie boys
Jmee143 (8:47:51 PM): sorry, i realize i use a slang sometimes that only people from home understand
SugaShane (8:48:18 PM): it seems that whenever i just try to be honest - be myself I get nothing but snide remarks, insults and ridicule, no matter if it's in a slightly joking manner, it still makes me uncomfortable
Jmee143 (8:49:48 PM): who are you being honest to? maybe the people are uncomfortable with themselves and don't know how to deal with your talking honestly?
SugaShane (8:50:04 PM): but when people perceive me as "normal" I'm putting on an act
SugaShane (8:50:24 PM): yeh, well maybe everyone is at least alittle caught up in that trap
Jmee143 (8:51:17 PM): you always feel like you can't be yourself?
SugaShane (8:51:29 PM): exactly
Jmee143 (8:52:24 PM): i've thought about that before... i wondered if maybe it's almost like a chemical reaction, like inevitably you are a different person around other people no matter what... like the real you isn't necessarily you alone by yourself...
SugaShane (8:52:37 PM): i can't act the way I feel, i can't express myself the way i want to, the only question i can't give a totally honest answer to is 'how are you?'
SugaShane (8:53:22 PM): but some people seem to be able to do it, or they're putting on a really damn good act
Jmee143 (8:53:44 PM): some people are really really simple too
Jmee143 (8:53:59 PM): ! you don't want to be simple, do you? :-)
SugaShane (8:54:06 PM): maybe i do
SugaShane (8:54:18 PM): simple is usually better in my experience
SugaShane (8:54:35 PM): and ignorance is bliss
SugaShane (8:56:33 PM): i don't know, maybe the white trash thing isn't really accurate, i guess i just feel - displaced
Jmee143 (8:57:52 PM): i think a lot more people feel that way than you would think, maybe not all the time
SugaShane (8:58:11 PM): then maybe I'm really right at home here
Jmee143 (8:58:26 PM): maybe you are thinking too much
SugaShane (8:58:36 PM): i'm sure of that
SugaShane (8:58:58 PM): i REALLY shouldn't inflict this on you, jamie
Jmee143 (8:59:15 PM): you need to get out and GO to magic mountain!
SugaShane (8:59:27 PM): it's just my pointless ramblings that I usually confine to my diary
Jmee143 (8:59:43 PM): i have like 6 journals from high school full of useless ramblings as well
I'm a weirdo...
Saturday, August 11, 2001
Saturday night. A lonely, lonely night. I just don't seem to have that fire inside me anymore, the fire that was keeping me hopeful. I try to make myself beleive that everythings ok, to just hang on and you'll find her. Just hang on. But what about all the time I'll lose, what about all the time I've lost. I can't get that back. Sure it's my own fault. Sure if I acted differently or I had more confidence or - whatever. The list goes on. Any way I just want to go to sleep, but it's only quarter till nine. I could take some Tylenol PM, I've had a headache all day anyways, all week in fact. Then I'll really feel like shit tomorrow morning. Probably won't run either. I've just lost my self control. I just want some human interaction. I want to physically talk to someone, or hug someone, laugh with someone or cry for that matter. I would feel so much better. To cry, that would be wonderful. I haven't cried in months. I haven't had a good all out breakdown in years. I think I'm about due. It won't happen though. I want it to, but by god whatever it is that's eating at me, it won't afford me that pleasure. This thing that's clawing me, this thing thats inihalating me , this which I can't escape, is not anything at all. It's just me. I know this because when I look out around me and see the shit that others have to deal with on a daily basis and then look at my life, I become embarrased. I'm living the good life. How can I sit here and babble on about my poor feelings and who's gonna help me? That's ridiculous.
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