Life, Shane and the Persuit of Happiness

It's what's on my mind, and yours too. Well, at least that bit about happiness...

Sunday, March 04, 2001

It's been a week since she told me she didn't love me. But, she REALLY wants to be friends. I guess that's fair, I told myself, why should I expect her to relinquish our friendship just because I felt more than that. It's a little hazy, but I can remember late-hour thoughts about how I could manage this friends only relationship, of course I was delusional and heavily drugged with caffeine at that time.
Her roomate's birthday dinner was hell for me tonight. I mean, I went in feeling confident. I could handle this. But all it took was one gaze into those forbidden blue eyes, which shifted to her perfect lips. How many times have I dreampt of kissing those lips. This isn't going to work. The rest of the evening was spent avoiding eye contact with darting glances, and trying to be responsive so as not to alert too much interest in my well being from my friends. The first rule of emotions is never tell anybody about your true emotions. I must not be able to hide my feelings very well because she must have asked me five times if I was 'Ok' and 'What's wrong?'. As if she didn't know the answer to that. The worst part is, as far as I can tell, she considers the whole thing over and done with. No more discomfort, no pain, no tears, it's all normal now. Maybe for her. Actually, I found myself trying to cry tonight. I wanted to know that I was still capable of it. Am I numb now? Because I know I'm certainly not 'alright' as my false responses lead everyone to believe. For years I've been saying I was 'alright' but only seldom was that really true.

After reading the above I've decided that I'm no writer, and I apologize to you of the general public if you've just wasted precious time reading it. I suppose I should keep this blog private. And if your reading this thinking to yourself, "What an amateur, he's got alot to learn about relationships...", well then I'm sorry, I'm naive, it's true. And if you're 'her', and you'd probably know it if you are, then I'm especially sorry for writing this in a public place and spilling my emotions so blatantly, but I had to do something or I'd explode. Perhaps this wasn't a good idea, maybe I should just stop now...
posted by Shane  # 1:10 AM
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