Life, Shane and the Persuit of Happiness
It's what's on my mind, and yours too. Well, at least that bit about happiness...
Saturday, March 17, 2001
Well, everything was going great. It's my birthday, I got to go to Firestone's for Tri-Tip, I even fixed my motorcycle. Wasn't even thinking about her (for once). Then I got the phone call. By this time I had already received several phone calls from friends and family wishing me a happy birthday, but I did not expect her to call. How awkward. I think, though, that I sounded fine, completely repaired. I put on that mask again - too bad. Just a small set back though. It still couldn't derail this day though. Today is one of those days that makes you believe that everything is going to turn out just right. So let's party!!!
Saturday, March 10, 2001
What a week...I'm soooo tired. Taxed is the appropriate word. But I still want to take this time to talk about a few very important things.
Such as rice art. My roomate and I made our killer fajitas tonight, and as we were simmering the rice I noticed these patterns emerging in the broth. But before I could snap a picture of it, the rice absorbed all of the water and the patterns were gone. Next time I'll be sure to keep the camera ready as the rice comes to a boil.
I'm going to interrupt these stable thoughts with some more emotional ones.
So now I'm not quite sure how to feel about going to her roomate's birthday party tommorow night. It's only been a week, and although I'm feeling better about the whole situation, I also haven't had any interaction with her either. We'll see what happens, I guess. I just don't know how I'll feel.
The quarter is comming to a close, and you know what that means! Yup, hours apon hours of cramming, too much caffeine, and not enough sleep. I can't wait! The college life is definately not the most healthy life. And to think, I've got at least 4 more years left! I'm gonna be worn out.
Hmm, I'm really at a loss right now. Sorry, but it's Friday night, and I'm not thinking too clearly right now.
Oh well, goodnight...
Tuesday, March 06, 2001
Whew, did I write all that? It's been a day and although I still have a knot in my throat and a heavy heart, I think I'm better now than I was before. Maybe there's hope after all. So moving on ...
... Have you ever popped popcorn in the microwave and had it catch on fire?! No this isn't an ad for a class-action lawsuit, it just happened to me today. I unfolded the package and all, but it just wasn't cooking well. Then smoke started comming out of the microwave and a hole was burning in the side of the popcorn bag! When the smoke cleared (literally), there was a big molten glob of burnt popcorn. VERY appetizing. Anyways...
I'm working on a picture for this webpage, which will replace the banner above. I think it needs some sprucing up, don't you? I'm making it in my spare time though, so in theory it would never get done, but I think I may sacrifice a little not-so-free time here and there for it.
Sunday, March 04, 2001
I've got these shivers I can't stop. I've decided she deserves to know exactly whats going on here, after a conversation in which she seems to be oblivious to my dilema. Am I imagining this whole thing? So I call her, and she pollitely tells me she'll call me back when she's off the phone with her mother. That brings us to the present. Now I wait, and shiver, hope I can remember everything I need to tell her. It's been a long time since she told me she'd call me back. Almost half an hour now I think. Will she call? She thinks I'm mad at her even though I told her I'm not. I told her she hasn't done anything wrong. And of course she hasn't. How could I fault her for not sharing the same feelings.
She had to have been talking about us...
I've just made the biggest ass of myself. I feel like one of those pimply characters in some clumsy high school flic whom has just asked out the homecoming queen but received a cute giggle and curious look instead of a passionate kiss. So she hadn't even a clue that I had feelings for her. But she doesn't want it to affect our friendship. I'm such an idiot! How is not going to affect our friendship. What is my freaking problem, everytime I fall in love I wind up screwing it up somehow.
Ok, so after reading over my last posts this morning I've decided I need to start this one off on a lighter note. So I'd like to talk now about the French Press coffee maker. The French Press is undoubtedly the greatest invention ever. If you're not aware of this glorious contraption, I pity you. You're probably still under the impression that coffee is always bitter, and that it needs cream and sugar to be suitable for consumtion. This is simply not true. Well, perhaps it is when the coffee is brewed with a regular drip coffee maker. But using a French Press, the results can only be described as heavenly. In fact I can't even bring myself to drink non-french pressed coffee anymore. There is no bitterness with French Pressed coffee. The first time you try it, especially if you're using the same blend of coffee you previously used with the drip maker, you'll be absolutely surprised by all the flavors revealed that you've been missing all along. So I strongly suggest you go out and buy one immediately. Ebay is a good place to find cheap used ones (they don't wear out - trust me, I make proabably 10 cups a day at least for my roomate and I).
I've turned it over and over in my mind, studied every facet, and worn it smooth. But still, I don't cry. Can't shed a tear. It's like it's not even real. All of my feelings seem so unimportant right now. Nothing seems important. But I have this feeling that just maybe if I were to talk to her right now the floodgates would burst and the repressed tears would spew forth in foaming ugliness.
"I know someday you'll have a beautiful life, I know you'll be a star. In somebody else's sky, but why, why, why can't it be me" - Eddie Vedder
Now I try and toss it all aside, and sleep. I've done it so many times before, why should it be hard this time? I know that, with the sunrise, it will be back to cloud my mind.
It's been a week since she told me she didn't love me. But, she REALLY wants to be friends. I guess that's fair, I told myself, why should I expect her to relinquish our friendship just because I felt more than that. It's a little hazy, but I can remember late-hour thoughts about how I could manage this friends only relationship, of course I was delusional and heavily drugged with caffeine at that time.
Her roomate's birthday dinner was hell for me tonight. I mean, I went in feeling confident. I could handle this. But all it took was one gaze into those forbidden blue eyes, which shifted to her perfect lips. How many times have I dreampt of kissing those lips. This isn't going to work. The rest of the evening was spent avoiding eye contact with darting glances, and trying to be responsive so as not to alert too much interest in my well being from my friends. The first rule of emotions is never tell anybody about your true emotions. I must not be able to hide my feelings very well because she must have asked me five times if I was 'Ok' and 'What's wrong?'. As if she didn't know the answer to that. The worst part is, as far as I can tell, she considers the whole thing over and done with. No more discomfort, no pain, no tears, it's all normal now. Maybe for her. Actually, I found myself trying to cry tonight. I wanted to know that I was still capable of it. Am I numb now? Because I know I'm certainly not 'alright' as my false responses lead everyone to believe. For years I've been saying I was 'alright' but only seldom was that really true.
After reading the above I've decided that I'm no writer, and I apologize to you of the general public if you've just wasted precious time reading it. I suppose I should keep this blog private. And if your reading this thinking to yourself, "What an amateur, he's got alot to learn about relationships...", well then I'm sorry, I'm naive, it's true. And if you're 'her', and you'd probably know it if you are, then I'm especially sorry for writing this in a public place and spilling my emotions so blatantly, but I had to do something or I'd explode. Perhaps this wasn't a good idea, maybe I should just stop now...
03/01/2001 - 04/01/2001
05/01/2001 - 06/01/2001
07/01/2001 - 08/01/2001
08/01/2001 - 09/01/2001
09/01/2001 - 10/01/2001
10/01/2001 - 11/01/2001
11/01/2001 - 12/01/2001
01/01/2002 - 02/01/2002
02/01/2002 - 03/01/2002
03/01/2002 - 04/01/2002
04/01/2002 - 05/01/2002
05/01/2002 - 06/01/2002
06/01/2002 - 07/01/2002
07/01/2002 - 08/01/2002
08/01/2002 - 09/01/2002
10/01/2002 - 11/01/2002
05/01/2003 - 06/01/2003
05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004
06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004